On this day, I took my boys on a bike ride.  We explored the Fermilab campus.  The architecture was surprising.  I didnt expect it to be so cool.  The time outside with the boys, in the fresh air with the sun on our faces, this is where my soul feels home.

The last four years have been tough, I wont lie.  There has been good, but more not-so-good.  As I sat in a church pew a few weeks ago, mere inches from someone who could have changed our lives drastically, I cried because it wasnt what I wanted anymore.

Also on this day, I could not bring myself to feel for the grieving.  All the not-so-good times were flooding my memory.  All the times I couldnt speak up for fear of the wrath.  All the times my boys were scrutinized.  Just flooding me.  My heart raced.  I fought tears while riding, so my boys wouldnt see my mixed emotions of sadness and relief.

There has been a weight lifted.  I feel lighter.  My heart can breathe.  Sadly, though.

This was the last time we did something together as a group.  We met in Chinatown and water taxi'd to Michigan Avenue.



It was a rough day.  Some people aren't made to be adventurous.  They want to be, but just weren't made that way.  Credit is given for trying though.  I know the boys and I had fun.  We were in our element of exploring.  I wish I could say the same for the others that joined us, however some of the comments from the Peanut Gallery were too hard to ignore or brush off.

 








One of the best things we did this summer, Scout Day at the Dirt Oval 66 Demolition Derby.  The racetrack put together a day of events for the scouts.  Time spent in 'Automotive Class', a obstacle course using various barrels, tires and other items from the derby, and then painting a derby car.

I really enjoyed the time there with our pack and the other parents.  Our boys get along great.  Before the start of the derby, the boys were able to do meet and greets with the drivers.

Its probably good to mention, this was also one of the hottest days and we all had a wicked case of the Hot Bitchies.  I was not the best version of myself or best mother.  Poor fellas.  But, regardless they boys had fun and that is all that matters. 

(tony was with us this day and like i said the Hot Bitchies took over my body, and instead of working with me, he became defensive.  he spent a lot of time on his phone and when i needed him to look for theo he stood still in a place (per my instruction) but didnt look for theo, just stood there and texted his friends.  when i called him out on it, his exact rebuttal: 'how dare you speak to me that way. who do you think you are'  that didnt settle well with me.  i spoke very little to him for the remainder of the evening.  all i asked was for help me look for my child, someone who you say you care for.  i believe it was that night as i drove home i was slowly seeing the future of us diminish.)

August 15th, 2018.  First day of 3rd and 1st grade for these two.  They wouldnt tell you or show you but they were excited for school to start.  I love they love school.  They love the routine and all the opportunities that come with going to school.  They love their friends. 

They attend a great school in our town.  Its by no means the best, but its the best for us.  I know they are learning all they can and are supposed to.  I am so grateful they will be able to stay here and cherish their school years here.  The teachers here that we have had so far have been absolutely wonderful.  I am not sure if we would have this experience anywhere else. 

When I say I am so grateful I am not uprooting them from their school, I mean I am grateful to my core.  It is not what I had wanted for them.  I have always wanted to have them stay in a school system with friends, and in our community. 

Troll Hunt, Morton Arboretum July 2018

I recently read this:

I’m holding my calendar loosely – saying Yes more than No. I’m opening the screen door to my neighbor’s granddaughter, sending her home with an armful of watermelon. Visiting neighbors, delivering muffins. 

I am realizing that I have spent years successfully whittling down my life in the name of simplicity that I had forgotten to add back in a few essentials: the element of surprise, sweat on your brow, a good old-fashioned inconvenience for the sake of another.

And now, slowly, with much debris – the road is beginning to widen.

Its about one woman who simplified her life to a very thin path, if you will.  As stages of life change, the width of one's path also changes.  This resonates with me.

Boys are older and more active in extra-curricular activities.  This is great, helps with their own development, but I worry they will not know what home feels like, or what it feels like to tinker around their rooms for an afternoon.  I want to encourage that development as well.

Will I hurt them more if they dont go to a birthday party?  Will they still find friends and bond with them to make long-lasting friendships?  Will they look back and be happy they spent time outside?

Right now with Summer starting to wind down, and the nights are slowly getting cooler, we will be outside, we will google things to do and then put the phone down.  We will have popsicles until we have brain freezes.  We will also explore our world and learn about all the things we can.

In this current stage, that is what we are going to do, be outside, be creative, be in motion. 

Troll Hunt, Morton Arboretum July 2018

   





Max made his First Communion on Cinco de Mayo this year.  May 5th, 2018.  I am so proud of him.  I am also proud of this accomplishment as the parent, that I have provided him a faith foundation in his life.  We are still attending church and religious education classes, to strengthen this foundation, but I didnt realize how important it was to me until I saw Max take his first communion.  Go us!