Today was not a good day.  I left work in a ball of anxiety.  My blood pressure was up.  I could feel my heart racing as I drove home.  I do not like this feeling nor is it doing any good for my health.

A couple of weeks ago, it was very busy at work, and I logged a good 50 - 55 hours in one week.  That is 10 to 15 hours into my personal life and my time with Max.  When I mentioned this to my manager, clearly stating that my family comes first, I witnessed a level of self-centeredness I've never seen before.  I could dissect the entire conversation here but 1) its not worth the energy to re-live that, 2) I dont have the energy to re-live that and 3) it is so appalling how the situation was handled, I am embarrassed to say I work under this management.

And the long work hours have not stopped.  Two weeks ago, I wanted to take a Friday afternoon off for a little Melissa time.  I was looking forward to stopping at Home Depot, collect a few things head home for an afternoon of landscaping and then collecting Max at the end of the day.  That got blown so far out of the water by 10:30am, it reduced to me tears (at work no less!).  I was SO angry that I couldnt take a day off, and colleagues were without blinking an eye. 

This afternoon, when I stopped at my mother's house to pick-up Max, hang out for a bit with my sister and her kids, I had no energy to do so.  Max turned into a whiny brat.  Refer to the first paragraph of this post, and I couldnt stand it.  We came home earlier than we had expected, but in our usual routine.  And this is the part that is causing the knot in my stomach to tighten to a point of vomiting.  I basically ignored Max while I made a crap-ass dinner. 

I wont ever get that hour, hour and a half back.  I screwed up that quality time.  I know its not going to have a permanent impact on his life nor will he even remember.  But I will.  I will know that my job had taken so much out of me that I couldnt stop what I was doing or even put it on hold so that I could spend time with my son. 

I rocked Max to sleep tonight and felt as what I did has damaged our relationship (yes, i know i sound ridiculous), that he doesnt like me anymore.  I will lose sleep tonight, go to work tomorrow faking it until I make it, and will do my damnest to leave work at work.  I will come home tomorrow and hope that I can make better choices. 

NO job is more important than quality time with Max.  Or any other family member.