One of the things that bothered me the most about dating Tony was I couldnt be myself around him. I should say I was myself, but reserved. Way reserved. Some days I didnt recognize myself. I found myself conforming to his negative thinking and criticism, when my true self disagreed. I was constantly at battle internally with what I wanted to do, believe and say, vs., what to say to not upset Tony.
One of my biggest internal battles was vacations. He could talk the talk about wanting to travel and see the world. Yet, when it came time to make those plans, he couldnt commit. He especially couldnt commit when it was something he's never done before, or some place he's never been. The gypsy-adventuring part of my soul was starved and dying slowly dating him.
Three days after we broke up, I booked a flight to Houston. I didnt care what time of day my flights were, I didnt care if I was sitting in the 'toilet' seat on the plane (the last row) and I surely didnt have a problem making arrangements for the boys to spend the weekend with Grandma.
It was the most magical weekend I've had in a very long time. No Tony stress. No parenting stress. I shopped at places I cant go to because of the boys, and its not in my budget. I brunched like adults do. I didnt yell for three days straight. I laughed. I enjoyed my best friends company. I slept all alone, no foot in my back or arms in my face.
I had a fleeting thought at the airport 530am Monday morning. Pigs would be flying to get Tony to do such a thing. I hope someday he gets the courage to break through his fear of the unknown. I hope he finds someone who can help him with that because it will be a war. But want to know the best part? Not anything I need to worry about. All I think about these days is how I can enrich my and my boys lives with our adventures and experiences. Does that mean get on a plane and go somewhere? Get in the car and road trip? Explore our own city? Sign us up!
My three days in Houston were just the medicine my soul needed. I feel like myself again. Not the best pictures of me, but that's okay. We went to the Texas Renaissance Fair, we brunched with fancy mimosas, we shopped, we snuggled with Seamus, Leo and Olly. #bestdogsever I took like three pictures the whole trip. #andthatsokaytoo
Boys and I went Halloween Camping this weekend at our favorite KOA campground. We always have a great time when we camp, let alone at this campground and with our besties, Dawn and Mason. This year we added Anna, Jon and Jonathan.
Weekend started out crappy with rain on Friday night, but that ended around 8:30pm, so we pulled out the s'mores and kicked off the weekend right. It was super cold, for camping, coffee was in an abundance. Max and I had to leave for a bit for a soccer game (which he scored and played his heart out), but we came back and it was right back into the activities ... the best part ... the trick-or-treating.
I keep going back to this particular campground because its far enough away and its very family friendly. Next summer we will venture out to others, but for Halloween, we will be back. I am super blessed we have these friends to have these experiences with.
I picked it up in my twenties. Put it down for many, many years and in the last eight or so I have been never without a project on the needles. I am so blessed my boys prefer their mama-made goods. I am so blessed to have learned this from my mother and youtube. And I was gifted my grandmothers folder of patterns. None of which I will make but you know what, its just nice to have the history of my knitting talent.
I was looking for a pattern last night and came across this beauty. ... oh the sweater it could make ...
for the love of knitting, people, for the love of it.
The thing about my parenting style is, is that I am a fun parent. I make sure the boys get to experience as much as they can where we can. We camp, we visit museums and take road trips. We go to the library, explore our backyard. We appreciate simplicity and the off-beaten path.
This weekend was no different. We went to a pumpkin farm for the fun. They had jumping pillows, barrel rides, corn maze and pits, hay bales stacked two stories tall for climbing. Needless to say the boys had fun!
I've been reflecting a lot lately about how life would have been with Tony, I even found a journal note to myself back in August about how Tony doesnt have any sense of adventure nor has any desire to try new things. I think I knew the inevitable was coming then. Thank goodness.
This weekend was no different. We went to a pumpkin farm for the fun. They had jumping pillows, barrel rides, corn maze and pits, hay bales stacked two stories tall for climbing. Needless to say the boys had fun!
... and that is exactly what just happened. I just wrote for about 40 minutes or so. Feelings and more feelings on paper. Release. Felt cathartic. Felt good.
I wrote to these people. They deserve to hear from me. He can shut me out of his life all he wants, and think he is protecting them. He's not. So I wrote my feelings about them to them so they will know no matter what happened, or what they were told, they know for sure how I feel about them.
I wrote to these people. They deserve to hear from me. He can shut me out of his life all he wants, and think he is protecting them. He's not. So I wrote my feelings about them to them so they will know no matter what happened, or what they were told, they know for sure how I feel about them.
I failed my part. I failed at giving 100%. I have guilt for it, because its not who I am to not give when people need me.
Though as soon as I feel the guilt, I also feel anger and foolishness. You see, being with him wasnt easy by any means. There were expectations. There were non-communicated expectations. There were assumptions. Stubbornness. A childish mindset I was dealing with.
Even when not in this current season he is in, the expectations were too great, the assumptions were awful and demeaning and the stubbornness ... well, even thinking about it makes me want to run for the hills. He is not an easy person to get along with. Add in two perfectly normal, inquisitive boys and my individuality, he was up in arms all the time.
My anxiety didnt help. However instead of working with me to ease it, he chose to be defensive and annoyed with me. I told him exactly what was going on and what needed to be done and he chose otherwise. (thinking about this surfaces a ridiculous amount of anger)
Do I have regret for the time spent with him? No. I learned so much about myself and who I am and how I operate as a woman, a mother, a partner. It is more clear than ever of what I want my life to look like and how I am going to get there. I believe God put him in my path for this exact reason.
Do I have lessons learned from this experience? Yes. I learned what I need from someone in order to fully trust. I learned its okay to speak up for myself and my boys, without wrath. I learned I gave and gave and gave all the time, to meet his demands that were unfair. So when it was time that he really needed me, I was completely empty of any kind of giving.
Thinking about all that I did, I am surprised I am still here, though a mere shell of myself. I was late one day by 8 minutes, and he threw a fit because it wrinkled his day before meeting up with me. The boys showed up to the dinner table with no shirts on (and yes its a no-no), but I had to defend my decision like I was defending a dissertation. I always paid for a sitter when we went out. I had to pay for many meals when we went out. I mentioned his contact with other women made me feel uncomfortable and he flat out flirted with them at his mother's wake. I didnt paint my nails, nor kept them long enough. I had hobbies he didnt agree with. I always had to make sure there was enough food to feed an army.
So why did I take him back all those times, and stay for as long as I did? Because he talks a good talk. He's good at wanting something or wanting to do something but never takes action. I fell in love with the words.
These pictures below all bring back their own individual negative memory. I do not recall anything positive or fun or happy about these times, though the pictures say otherwise. Its so sad to say the only thing I remember from the relationship are the bad things.
At church on Sunday, I broke down in tears because a few things came to mind which came together like a puzzle. I was played a fool by him. The texts from her. The sudden appearances at the same restaurant as her. Her presence at his mother's wake and he flirted with her. His daughters kept warning me about her presence. The comments on Facebook. They might be friends, but these actions with a friend are not typical when dating someone else.
I am angry at him for thinking he can treat me this way. I am angry at myself for allowing him to do this. I feel like such a fool for not seeing this earlier.
I know I might not have been the ideal girlfriend during a honestly horrible time for him and I am okay with it. Knowing what I've done and what I've been through and had to put up with, I am okay with it. I know that I am still good person, still have a good heart regardless of that.
And with that I bid an adieu. For good.
edited - a woman's intuition is always right. i wish her the best in dealing with him.
Though as soon as I feel the guilt, I also feel anger and foolishness. You see, being with him wasnt easy by any means. There were expectations. There were non-communicated expectations. There were assumptions. Stubbornness. A childish mindset I was dealing with.
Even when not in this current season he is in, the expectations were too great, the assumptions were awful and demeaning and the stubbornness ... well, even thinking about it makes me want to run for the hills. He is not an easy person to get along with. Add in two perfectly normal, inquisitive boys and my individuality, he was up in arms all the time.
My anxiety didnt help. However instead of working with me to ease it, he chose to be defensive and annoyed with me. I told him exactly what was going on and what needed to be done and he chose otherwise. (thinking about this surfaces a ridiculous amount of anger)
Do I have regret for the time spent with him? No. I learned so much about myself and who I am and how I operate as a woman, a mother, a partner. It is more clear than ever of what I want my life to look like and how I am going to get there. I believe God put him in my path for this exact reason.
Do I have lessons learned from this experience? Yes. I learned what I need from someone in order to fully trust. I learned its okay to speak up for myself and my boys, without wrath. I learned I gave and gave and gave all the time, to meet his demands that were unfair. So when it was time that he really needed me, I was completely empty of any kind of giving.
Thinking about all that I did, I am surprised I am still here, though a mere shell of myself. I was late one day by 8 minutes, and he threw a fit because it wrinkled his day before meeting up with me. The boys showed up to the dinner table with no shirts on (and yes its a no-no), but I had to defend my decision like I was defending a dissertation. I always paid for a sitter when we went out. I had to pay for many meals when we went out. I mentioned his contact with other women made me feel uncomfortable and he flat out flirted with them at his mother's wake. I didnt paint my nails, nor kept them long enough. I had hobbies he didnt agree with. I always had to make sure there was enough food to feed an army.
So why did I take him back all those times, and stay for as long as I did? Because he talks a good talk. He's good at wanting something or wanting to do something but never takes action. I fell in love with the words.
These pictures below all bring back their own individual negative memory. I do not recall anything positive or fun or happy about these times, though the pictures say otherwise. Its so sad to say the only thing I remember from the relationship are the bad things.
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| This happened only because I begged him. There was no showing up with the tools, or engaging Max. I had to sit here and guide them. I recall the comments about waiting until the last minute. |
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| I thought this was a good day. Though it wasnt without complaints. Boys, his girls and I had fun. |
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| Might seem like this was fun, I wasnt happy. I couldnt do anything right, couldnt sit in the right place, couldnt be myself in wanting to watch the game and talk to the other Scout parents. |
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| After a graduation party for his oldest daughter. I had just met more of his family. I remember thinking he's never posted a picture of us together on Facebook. Was trying to get him to do that with this picture. Which he didnt. |
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| At his daughter's birthday dinner. Right after their cruise, we were late, he was upset. He didnt like I posted this picture on Facebook because he didnt look good. |
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| His birthday. He finally agreed to let me make him a cake. |
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| His actual birthday celebration, all the way in Frankfort. Forty-five minutes from our house. |
I am angry at him for thinking he can treat me this way. I am angry at myself for allowing him to do this. I feel like such a fool for not seeing this earlier.
I know I might not have been the ideal girlfriend during a honestly horrible time for him and I am okay with it. Knowing what I've done and what I've been through and had to put up with, I am okay with it. I know that I am still good person, still have a good heart regardless of that.
And with that I bid an adieu. For good.
edited - a woman's intuition is always right. i wish her the best in dealing with him.
On this day, I took my boys on a bike ride. We explored the Fermilab campus. The architecture was surprising. I didnt expect it to be so cool. The time outside with the boys, in the fresh air with the sun on our faces, this is where my soul feels home.
The last four years have been tough, I wont lie. There has been good, but more not-so-good. As I sat in a church pew a few weeks ago, mere inches from someone who could have changed our lives drastically, I cried because it wasnt what I wanted anymore.
Also on this day, I could not bring myself to feel for the grieving. All the not-so-good times were flooding my memory. All the times I couldnt speak up for fear of the wrath. All the times my boys were scrutinized. Just flooding me. My heart raced. I fought tears while riding, so my boys wouldnt see my mixed emotions of sadness and relief.
There has been a weight lifted. I feel lighter. My heart can breathe. Sadly, though.
The last four years have been tough, I wont lie. There has been good, but more not-so-good. As I sat in a church pew a few weeks ago, mere inches from someone who could have changed our lives drastically, I cried because it wasnt what I wanted anymore.
Also on this day, I could not bring myself to feel for the grieving. All the not-so-good times were flooding my memory. All the times I couldnt speak up for fear of the wrath. All the times my boys were scrutinized. Just flooding me. My heart raced. I fought tears while riding, so my boys wouldnt see my mixed emotions of sadness and relief.
There has been a weight lifted. I feel lighter. My heart can breathe. Sadly, though.
This was the last time we did something together as a group. We met in Chinatown and water taxi'd to Michigan Avenue.
It was a rough day. Some people aren't made to be adventurous. They want to be, but just weren't made that way. Credit is given for trying though. I know the boys and I had fun. We were in our element of exploring. I wish I could say the same for the others that joined us, however some of the comments from the Peanut Gallery were too hard to ignore or brush off.
It was a rough day. Some people aren't made to be adventurous. They want to be, but just weren't made that way. Credit is given for trying though. I know the boys and I had fun. We were in our element of exploring. I wish I could say the same for the others that joined us, however some of the comments from the Peanut Gallery were too hard to ignore or brush off.
One of the best things we did this summer, Scout Day at the Dirt Oval 66 Demolition Derby. The racetrack put together a day of events for the scouts. Time spent in 'Automotive Class', a obstacle course using various barrels, tires and other items from the derby, and then painting a derby car.
I really enjoyed the time there with our pack and the other parents. Our boys get along great. Before the start of the derby, the boys were able to do meet and greets with the drivers.
Its probably good to mention, this was also one of the hottest days and we all had a wicked case of the Hot Bitchies. I was not the best version of myself or best mother. Poor fellas. But, regardless they boys had fun and that is all that matters.
(tony was with us this day and like i said the Hot Bitchies took over my body, and instead of working with me, he became defensive. he spent a lot of time on his phone and when i needed him to look for theo he stood still in a place (per my instruction) but didnt look for theo, just stood there and texted his friends. when i called him out on it, his exact rebuttal: 'how dare you speak to me that way. who do you think you are' that didnt settle well with me. i spoke very little to him for the remainder of the evening. all i asked was for help me look for my child, someone who you say you care for. i believe it was that night as i drove home i was slowly seeing the future of us diminish.)
August 15th, 2018. First day of 3rd and 1st grade for these two. They wouldnt tell you or show you but they were excited for school to start. I love they love school. They love the routine and all the opportunities that come with going to school. They love their friends.
They attend a great school in our town. Its by no means the best, but its the best for us. I know they are learning all they can and are supposed to. I am so grateful they will be able to stay here and cherish their school years here. The teachers here that we have had so far have been absolutely wonderful. I am not sure if we would have this experience anywhere else.
When I say I am so grateful I am not uprooting them from their school, I mean I am grateful to my core. It is not what I had wanted for them. I have always wanted to have them stay in a school system with friends, and in our community.