I failed my part.  I failed at giving 100%.  I have guilt for it, because its not who I am to not give when people need me.

Though as soon as I feel the guilt, I also feel anger and foolishness.  You see, being with him wasnt easy by any means.  There were expectations.  There were non-communicated expectations.  There were assumptions.  Stubbornness.  A childish mindset I was dealing with.

Even when not in this current season he is in, the expectations were too great, the assumptions were awful and demeaning and the stubbornness ... well, even thinking about it makes me want to run for the hills.  He is not an easy person to get along with.  Add in two perfectly normal, inquisitive boys and my individuality, he was up in arms all the time.

My anxiety didnt help.  However instead of working with me to ease it, he chose to be defensive and annoyed with me.  I told him exactly what was going on and what needed to be done and he chose otherwise.  (thinking about this surfaces a ridiculous amount of anger)

Do I have regret for the time spent with him?  No.  I learned so much about myself and who I am and how I operate as a woman, a mother, a partner.  It is more clear than ever of what I want my life to look like and how I am going to get there.  I believe God put him in my path for this exact reason.

Do I have lessons learned from this experience?  Yes.  I learned what I need from someone in order to fully trust.  I learned its okay to speak up for myself and my boys, without wrath.  I learned I gave and gave and gave all the time, to meet his demands that were unfair.  So when it was time that he really needed me, I was completely empty of any kind of giving.

Thinking about all that I did, I am surprised I am still here, though a mere shell of myself.  I was late one day by 8 minutes, and he threw a fit because it wrinkled his day before meeting up with me.  The boys showed up to the dinner table with no shirts on (and yes its a no-no), but I had to defend my decision like I was defending a dissertation.  I always paid for a sitter when we went out.  I had to pay for many meals when we went out.  I mentioned his contact with other women made me feel uncomfortable and he flat out flirted with them at his mother's wake.  I didnt paint my nails, nor kept them long enough.  I had hobbies he didnt agree with.  I always had to make sure there was enough food to feed an army.

So why did I take him back all those times, and stay for as long as I did?  Because he talks a good talk.  He's good at wanting something or wanting to do something but never takes action.  I fell in love with the words.

These pictures below all bring back their own individual negative memory.  I do not recall anything positive or fun or happy about these times, though the pictures say otherwise.  Its so sad to say the only thing I remember from the relationship are the bad things.

This happened only because I begged him.  There was no showing up with the tools, or engaging Max.  I had to sit here and guide them.  I recall the comments about waiting until the last minute.

I thought this was a good day.  Though it wasnt without complaints.  Boys, his girls and I had fun.

Might seem like this was fun, I wasnt happy.  I couldnt do anything right, couldnt sit in the right place, couldnt be myself in wanting to watch the game and talk to the other Scout parents.

After a graduation party for his oldest daughter.  I had just met more of his family.  I remember thinking he's never posted a picture of us together on Facebook.  Was trying to get him to do that with this picture.  Which he didnt.

At his daughter's birthday dinner.  Right after their cruise, we were late, he was upset.  He didnt like I posted this picture on Facebook because he didnt look good.

His birthday.  He finally agreed to let me make him a cake.

His actual birthday celebration, all the way in Frankfort.  Forty-five minutes from our house.

At church on Sunday, I broke down in tears because a few things came to mind which came together like a puzzle.  I was played a fool by him.  The texts from her.  The sudden appearances at the same restaurant as her.  Her presence at his mother's wake and he flirted with her.  His daughters kept warning me about her presence.  The comments on Facebook.  They might be friends, but these actions with a friend are not typical when dating someone else.

I am angry at him for thinking he can treat me this way.  I am angry at myself for allowing him to do this.  I feel like such a fool for not seeing this earlier.

I know I might not have been the ideal girlfriend during a honestly horrible time for him and I am okay with it.  Knowing what I've done and what I've been through and had to put up with, I am okay with it.  I know that I am still good person, still have a good heart regardless of that.

And with that I bid an adieu. For good.

edited - a woman's intuition is always right.  i wish her the best in dealing with him.